The Gift Of Resilience
by Maria F. Ruby

My name is Maria Ruby, and I was born with Bipolar disorder. Throughout my life, I have been tested and challenged through manic episodes, and six hospitalizations. I have become a synonym for the word resilient only through my faith in Jesus Christ.

As it is written in Job-23:10, "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."

As early as five years old, I was constantly crying and depressed. My parents only thought of myself as shy and quiet. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 14. I began to slit my wrist, but reached for my Bible and turned to a passage which made me stop what I was doing. I covered my wrist with a bandage and wore long sleeves to cover it up. I wish I could remember the scripture, but obviously the Lord gave me the words from killing myself.

One of the psalmist's writes in chapter 42:11, "Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

I attempted suicide again at age 19, this time with drugs and alcohol because of a hopeless relationship with a young man from college. I slept it off for five hours, and my friends were very concerned and angry. My mother said to me, "why are you so worried about him. What do you want to do with your life?" I said, "I want to go to Colorado and work at a resort in the Rocky Mountains for a year and finish school there."

In the book of Jeremiah 29:11-12, he says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

After graduating from college in 1984, I was married to a very steadfast and compassionate man, Richard Ruby. After four years of marriage we had our two sons, Alan and Michael. I was very sad after Michael was born. A post-partum depression set in because I had wanted a girl so badly after giving our first born, Kate, before we were married, and couldn't have children, at birth. The depression over a period of months became a manic episode, and I thought I was Jesus Christ. I was hospitalized in Denver for a month, and it was through the grace of God that my father was to move Rick and I to Wisconsin to be with my family for support, which was lacking in Colorado. As I left the majestic Rocky Mountains of Colorado, and Richard's home state, the following psalm is appropriate:

Psalm 126:5-6, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

We read in Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Through the next ten years I had five more manic episodes and hospitalizations. My road to recovery always began with God. He surrounded me with support of my unconditionally loving family, pastoral visits, attending church, bible study, and friends. Prayers from my friends and family became my source of strength episode after episode. I became refined each time.

In Zechariah 13:9, "This third I will bring into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The Lord is our God.'"

Bipolar disorder has brought me to NAMI. I am now on the board of NAMI Walworth, Inc. as Public Relations Chairperson. I provide information for consumers, write press releases for our monthly meetings for our county newspapers, and help with the design of our monthly flyers with my husband, Richard, who is now the President of our chapter. I also participate in the "In Your Own Voice" program throughout southeastern Wisconsin. This serves as a very important coping skill for me. I also coordinate special events for our chapter. Most of all, I love to welcome new consumers each month for support. I came to NAMI for support not knowing I would be coming full circle with my illness. My resilience with this illness surprises my psychiatrist and therapist, because of all the changes and traumas I have endured the past 43 years. It is only through my faith in Jesus Christ that I conquered and gone on to even more challenges. I will close with what I consider our Lord's promise to me:

As it is written in Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Story edited by John Veierstahler and published by HopeToHealing.com
with permission of Maria F. Ruby.
© 2004 Maria F. Ruby