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People Say I'm Crazy
by John Cadigan
I have schizophrenia, which is a brain disease that usually hits most severely when the brain
reaches maturity—around 20 or 21 years old. I had my first psychotic break when I was in my
senior year of college and have been disabled by the illness for over ten years now.
My official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, which means that in addition to having
symptoms of schizophrenia, I also have trouble with depression. I'm lucky to have a very
supportive family and a wonderful doctor who have helped me learn how to live with my
illness. The new generation of anti-psychotic medications that became available in the
mid-1990s made a big difference.
I'm doing so much better now than during the first horrible years of being sick. I have an
art studio and am able to work a couple of hours a day. I'm able to live on my own now, and
one of my best friends lives in my building. Lately I've become deeply interested in
spirituality and have found a wonderful spiritual director through my church.
Everyone with schizophrenia needs to know there is hope. This is what helped me:
- Find an understanding, kind doctor who knows a lot about schizophrenia and the latest
treatments
- Take advantage of local mental health services—sometimes they can help get you a case
manager, a social worker, housing and even employment
- Stop drinking alcohol and using drugs that aren't prescribed—they interfere with medication
and make recovery almost impossible
- Learn as much as you can about the nature of the illness, and then study your symptoms to
figure out warning signs and ways to avoid bad episodes
Welcome to my mind.
My name is John Cadigan, and I'm an artist with schizophrenia.
People Say I'm Crazy is my documentary about the world inside my head.
It's a chaotic world filled with paranoia, creativity, fear and desire. A world in which
I'm struggling every day, trying to know what is real and what is not.
Ten years ago, after my first psychotic break in college, I started filming myself because I
wanted the world to know what it's like to live with labels such as "psychotic,"
"schizophrenic" and "severely disabled." I filmed everything—from being
catatonic to when I had ECT (electro-convulsive therapy).
Finally a new generation of medications came on the market, and they actually began to
work. My life became bearable, sometimes even enjoyable. I started to create
again—drawing, carving and making woodcuts. If my family and doctor hadn't given me such
intense support, I'd probably be dead by now.
Art is my life—I've always known I'd be an artist. I think in images, not in words.
What informs me? People, dreams, art history, ancient artifacts and found objects.
Even the very shape of an object can be inspiring. Objects speak to me on a spiritual
level, and I must create with them. The object is reborn in my work, made to live another
life. I am fascinated by mythology and am working to create a visual vocabulary of mythical
imagery through which I explore the imagination, the unconscious. My work may be akin to a
dream—mysterious, elusive—yet containing parts of everyday life and history. In all, my art
is a spiritual quest to find the divine.
On a formal level, I love working with line and pattern, juxtaposing organic and geometric lines,
while drawing on the power of black and white images. I feel a deep affinity with the
process of creating woodcuts because it combines my love of drawing with my passion for
sculpture.
I was trained at the art school at Carnegie Mellon University and spent 1990–1991 studying
painting and printmaking in Rome with the Temple University Art Program in Italy. My
woodcuts have toured galleries and museums around the United States and, most recently, were
exhibited in the Stanford University Art Spaces.
People Say I'm Crazy website :
www.peoplesayimcrazy.org
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