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I May Be Crazy, But I'm Not Stupid
by Colette O'Keeffe M.D.
Childhood was a little bumpy. In retrospect, it was characteristic of
early bipolar disorder: temper tantrums, up and down moods, and erratic behavior. When I
was five years old, my sisters and I were sent to a child psychologist, to evaluate our academic
potential. Although I did not look too promising, he saw a child who could be
reached. I was sent to a wonderful convent school with Montessori teachers who provided
structure and intellectual challenge. It was one of the best things that ever happened to
me.
We emigrated to the United States just at the time I was hitting my stride and for a few years
things went well. Unfortunately, in high school, recurrent depressions started. I
still did well enough to graduate, go to Harvard on a full scholarship (B.A. in physics),
U.C.S.F. medical school pediatrics internship, U.C.S.F. anesthesia residency and research
fellowship and Children's Hospital of Philadelphia clinical fellowship. I accomplished a
lot, often with the help of hypomania.
I got a great job as a pediatric anesthesiologist at a referral hospital, bought a house-a cabin
in the woods-that I loved, and had friends and a place in the world. As the depressions
became more severe, not even the remissions and the hypomania could keep me afloat. I
withdrew from the world for several years and lost almost everything. I had no desire to
live and the effort even to eat was just too much. At one point I weighed eighty-three
pounds on a five-foot six-inch frame. Getting so sick showed me what I valued the most and
would hold onto: the cats and my medical license. Luckily they were enough, I asked for
help, and was immediately hospitalized.
Since then it has been a slow and sometimes rocky course back to a full life. It was often
difficult to believe recovery was possible and that medications were worth taking. With the
help of a psychiatrist, a knowledgeable friend, and the Internet, we found a regimen that worked,
and was tolerable. This made a whole new life possible. Making new friends is a
priority, but it takes time. I joke that you can't have instant old friends.
Spirituality has played a very important role in holding me together in the worst of times and in
finding a new way. Losing my old life left me time to explore and commit to Zen
Buddhism. Its power gave me the strength to endure and to reach out to others.
Volunteer work, and a job have been important stabilizing forces. I have been a speaker at
many presentations and speakers bureaus to combat stigma against mental illness. I have
started, and co-facilitate a weekly bipolar support group. I also work as a volunteer
researcher at the Stanford University Mood Disorders Clinic. My paid job is initiating and
providing supported education services for students with psychiatric disabilities for our county
mental health consumers. Of course the cats are still there too, having earned their keep
many times over. Finally, I am applying for a psychiatry residency where I want to give
hope to my patients. You can still recover and lead a good life, even after you hit bottom
and lose the self you thought you were.
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