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The Bent-Over Woman
If this is not a place where tears are understood, where can I go to cry?
If this is not a place where my spirit can take wing, where can I fly?
If this is not a place where my questions can be asked, where can I seek?
If this is not a place where my heart-cries can be heard, where can I go to speak?
If this is not a place where tears are understood, where can I go to cry?
A few weeks ago I heard the parable about the bent-over woman. We all are bent-over
in some way and seek our Father to give us relief. Adversity, heartache, or pain of any
kind is challenging. We often learn to live with it, compensate, or be so numb to it that
we cannot acknowledge that something could really be wrong.
Whether we are aware or not aware of what is bending us over, it is an uncomfortable place to
live. It distracts us, it can control us, and it ultimately can separate us and blind us
from the peace we desire so much.
I am in recovery as many of you know. Seven years ago I was misdiagnosed with depression
and the doctor placed me on my first series of four failed anti-depressants that were making me
feel worse and causing physical and psychological pain.
I struggled for seven years with the wrong diagnosis and came to a point in my life where I was
experiencing so many negative symptoms of the antidepressant medication and a combination of
losses due to my psychological struggle (wrong diagnosis) I was losing hope. I was grasping
for a life line and could not seem to find it. I was at such a low point.
I sit here with renewed hope and a new diagnosis. I have bipolar disorder. I feel
free knowing why I felt so horrible for so long.
I am now processing feelings of guilt and anger at my illness. I have gained and lost so
much these last few weeks. I am gaining insight into my soul and learning to live for the
first time. I am thinking more clearly, remembering details, old memories are resurfacing,
and my sense of "feeling" is coming back.
It as if my soul just opened up and God is renewing my mind, body, and spirit!
I never knew how sick I was. Mental illnesses are invisible illnesses and surface through
various ways, unlike cancer, MS, heart disease, and many other illnesses or diseases.
I was becoming frustrated with my life and could not seem to get a grip or find a break through
towards peace and a feeling of wholeness.
I believe God allows us to be broken down in order to build us up.
I am attending day hospital for two weeks, Rogers Memorial Hospital. I am learning how bad
I was bent-over prior to my initial hospitalization. I had no idea how bad I needed God's
love and security until the healing began. My transformation started to unfold and now I am
learning to love myself completely and unconditionally.
I was living in a place of shame my whole life, abandoned early, abused, and rejected time and
time again for my race, gender, sexual orientation, and beliefs. I was seeking a place of
safety and striving for acceptance. I realized I was not living for me, but for the
world.
I thank God for not forgetting me and placing me in the palm of his hand, Isaiah 49:15. I
am blessed.
I know God has a plan and I know the power of prayer works. I am a living testimony.
See you on Sunday and God Bless,
TK
HopeToHealing Managing Editor
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Picture courtesy of Hermanoleon Clipart.